sigh...)'= i misses her tt much and even more!

actually i didnt want to blog any entry about today(sunday)....but after reading one of my FRIEND'S blog....she makes me feel so emo and sad suddenly...and together with the background music she had in her blog...wa...super match my feelings and makes me feels even more sad....dots....

yea i'm thinking of her again....afternoon i went parkway shopping wif my xiaoyi and her family...i shopped alone and bought a jeans from giodarno....along the way to parkway, i told her abt sinyee's grandpa issue....cos she (my grandma) suddenly came into my mind....and i thgt this year is really a not good year! cos till now, it has been the 4 case including my grandma....4 case of my friends' grandparents happen to be sick and had to be hospitalise and some were facing the waiting to die tt kind of situation....it's so sad n bad....i really hate this year...2007! sigh....

and went to visit her in the late evening...went dinner together with e'one...everyone that is to say my cousins, aunties, uncles and grandpa.....went hougang plaza for dinner...on the way there....my cheeky cousin was playing this cute song from his dad's nokia N83 (i think it's N83)....and it reminds me of her again! and i just laughed to myself aloud..and auotomatically i just said, 'tt time ah por keep singing this song'....everyone rmb abt it.....she had her own version for this song...i cant rmb this song appears in which advertisement...i only rmb...she keep teasing my cousin, ah li, with tt song...she included his name in tt song...smthg tt goes like this....

ah neh ah neh, ah li dua liap neh!

haha! it's funny! and we always laugh when she sings that! and that song just reminds me of her! and i blurt out those words...and suddenly i sense that sudden silence at the back of the van where i am with my aunties n cousins.....i thgt i said smthg wrong...ok i made them think of her too! and i see that stressful and sad face on my bro...turning from tt happy look to this glum face.....i'm sorry i made u all think of her...i can feel at tt moment that...we're all feeling the same! we felt sad and unfair and we are feeling very frustrated and wu nai for what had happened to her!

next to the dinner part...we occupied a few tables at the food court...and had dessert after dinner...we only bought a few bowls of dessert...and we crowded around 2 tables to eat...it's fun and always delicious when you've ppl snatching food with you...and here it goes again in my mind....i just feel that somebody is missing.....and it's her who is missing....i see her favourite food...i can rmb she'll never miss the annual food fair in expo! and now food fair is here again! it's always me n my mum accompanying her and grandpa to the food fair! now i can only go with friends and maybe family but w/o her......

and we went giant ltr....cos my grandpa complains that his television is spoiled so he wants to get a new one...and i almost blurt out asking y is there a need to buy a new one when nobody is at hm and he also rarely stay at hm these days.....and i am inconsiderate enough to have not thgt that...he's unable to fall asleep every night and needed a television to accompany him to sleep....he wokes up early every morning at ard 4am or 5am...tt's wat i heard...i think of the house he is in....it's so lonely and qi liang now...it's different...level 11 (the level they stayed at) is so quiet now...w/o our noises there to disturb the neighbours.....

we are no longer able to make the neighbours to envy our family always get togethers with that happiness and laughters filled in that house.....i'm very angry that ppl cant see or donno what had happened to my grandma....cos they only see the surface...i cannot blame them for that...they're just strangers....they donno us....i donno what am i trying to do...i know there isn't a need to tell e'one abt her....there isn't any need for ppl to know about her misfortune...i donno i only know it's unfair and maybe i just wants the ppl to know how unfair is it to her...mayeb i just wants ppl to pity her? and i'm hoping that this way...she can gain back the fairness? i'm CRAZY and SILLY and RIDICULOUS DUMB!!! it doesn't helps in any way and i know! i donno what i'm doing....the ppl i meant can be just those passer by or strangers who were just sitting beside us at a dining place or whom had just walked passed us in a shopping mall...all always with that...wth! what's happening? why such a big group...wa so many ppl moving together...wa such a big family ar....wa they very good hor will come out in a big group...tsk! blocking the passage way...all those kind of expressions......but they just don't know.....if i'm the those outside ppl viewing us, i'll still be envy of this family......cos i loves and enjoy the feeling of this big family of mine...hais...what am i trying to do? anybody can tell me?

before i'm always proud and glad to be able to hao-lian to the outside ppl that i've a happy family! i don't care about their annoying expressions on their face for us blocking their way and all.....i'm enjoying and loving their envy faces! where ever we go, it's like that place belongs to US ONLY and nobody else! i'm enjoying that selfish thinking! haha! ........ now....it's all different....though we can always still do the same things w/o her....but it's just tt feeling of SOMEONE IS MISSING! in our gathering and in whatever or where ever we are at~! SOMEONE IS JUST MISSING FROM US! it's really incomplete....it matters to us! whatever i'm doing or thinking or whenever i am staring into space...she'll occupy my mind! and sometimes tears start to flow as i think deeper...and if i did not restrict myself from thinking further.....tears will POUR out from both of my eyes!

friday night's BBQ...i was listening to sinyee talking abt her grandpa over how sad and how she felt and react at the moment she knew the news and all...and she said this, 'now i know how you're feeling...i cannot imagine yours is worst, cos i'm alr not as close as how you're to your grandma and i'm alr feeling that sad now...' yeah....i also cannot imagine myself.... all what we all kids can do is to only keep calling her when we're in front of her...we donno what we can say to her....but for me...i just cant bring myself to say things to her though i've lots to say to her...cos i know i'll cry....i don wan to let her know i'm sad and was crying....cos tears has always been in her eyes and even corners of her eyes when her eyes were closed! or we are just afraid we might not be able to call her and she might not be able to hear us call her any time without any notice given to us....tt's y we keep calling her and nth else.....

all thanks to my that FRIEND for her entry....made me blogged again another this kind of sadden entry....it's been long i've not been blogging abt her....and girl your entry makes me assured myself and can confirmed that...i am still not and unable to accept this fact and i still misses her or misses her even more as 4months had passed! it's gg to be 5 months soon...sigh....))))))))''''=