Emo: am i tired of it?!

so much of those happy no worries post? now...a emo post...a questioning post....a contridicting post....a post of fears and worries....

i've been looking forward to return back to Singapore ever since the second week here in shanghai..but now...i'm worrying and had some kind of weird feeling that i doesn't wants to go back...it's not about missing or i can't bear to leave this place...i know and u all shld know that i have been waiting...waiting for the day that is coming in 10 days time...i very much want to go home, to see all my family members...to reunite with them....but somethings just makes me reluctant to go back....

now seriously i'm asking myself...should i be happy that i'm going home in 10 days time....should i? or say i should ask should i not?!

hmmm...a tough question huh? always contridicting myself...ha~...

alot of those 'what if ' questions appears in my mind again...what am i thinking? i know...sooner or later i will still have to face the reality....i know the day will come no matter what...and i have to face it no matter what or no matter when it is.....but i just don wanna face it....facing this cruel truth is like the most difficulty thing for me....maybe i sounded too over or being too over exaggerating....but this is the first time how i seriously feel...i've never been this scare before....i can breakdown easily just because of this incident....the thought of it can just make me cry....it's just only the thought of it that can already make me cry....what do you if it's the reality....and i've to face it...i donno if i can take it....

i feel sooooo ultra small and useless whenever all these things start....it makes me feel very weak and i don't feel like facing anyone.....i just wanna be alone....i feel so lonely that i need a hug badly whoever's hug it was...i just need someone to hug me tight to prevent me from collasping....i donno what am i thinking.....

i tried very hard to not get myself too affected by all my thoughts....but the tears just keep flowing and flowing....where can i find my body's tap, the main switch to off the tears pipe?! it is really the most scary feeling i ever had.....i know i had been too protected before...i realise i have been too naive before that i thought i wun lose anyone...i thought i wun lose anyone in such a terrible and awful way....i took happiness forgranted and i really do regret it......any more chance given to me? maybe you thought you had given me enough chance but to us, humans, we are selfish and wanted more and hope that the supply is unlimited.....i know you aren't that generous.....

what can i do?

i know the obvious answer is to stop avoiding and face it....but i don't have that courage....i lack of that huge amount of courage.....or maybe the courage has alwasy been with me....but i'm just finding excuse still to avoid the reality....is it all about myself? is it all about whether i want to accept it? is it me that is just trying to be funny and stubbornly wants to keep on playing emo all these while to avoid the reality?!

sometimes i'm just so tired to keep recieving all these news....i tired of you always bringing us high up, giving us hopes and dash it all up and pull us down right to the bottom......i can't be bother sometimes...i don't want to let it affect me...but it still affects me badly!

am i still hoping for miracles? or miracles had always been happening already? or have i given up? i have not, right?! i'm still hoping for more right? maybe or maybe not, i already have all these answers in my mind....