i'm guilty of....)'=

Dated: 02-03-07

Gals now I know what I should be guilty about regarding ytd truth question in the chalet…..

I should guilty that I didn’t visit my grandma ytd…always only have the thgt of missing her but action is not shown…I didn’t visit her….during study week too…though in words I use the excuse of need to study for the papers at hm so I didn’t go visit her….but in the end I stayed at home enjoy watching TV programmes…..ytd she was in good condition but today her condition because of some unknown reason deteriorates….past 2 days, she was improving and nurses even put her sit on the chair (she’s still semi-unconscious) so she wun be always lying on the bed….her urine bag and most of the pipes are gone….but today her condition just deteriorates! What am I doing when she’s sitting on the chair when her condition is improving? I’m watching tv at hm during the exams period, after the last paper…instead of visiting her in the hospital….i wasted my time sitting at café cartel eating dinner and just to chat with friends…………

Currently right now when I’m typing all these and hours before that…I’m feeling not very well…..not in the mood for anything…my mind is invaded by a lot of WHY(s)…..

I keep questioning myself:……

Why is this happening to her? Why she has to suffer so much? Why can’t just let her recover fast and easily? Why must make her go through so much pain and poking of needles and pipes everywhere on her body? Why must you always pull her down like a wet blanket whenever she’s showing some slight improvement in her condition? Why you give us the hope showing us her improvement when she’s going to deteriorate the next day? Why everything just seems so unfair to her? Why doctors are so cruel and inflexible, when she’s not v fine and not in stable condition, you ppl, the hospital wants to chase her out, that she can’t stay long in the hospital and have to move to care centre? Can you confirm that she will get the SAME or maybe at least 99.9% of the best treatment she can get from hospital in the care centre? Why doctors didn’t take good care of her? Why we can’t help her in anything? Why are we so helpless and useless? Why out of so many ppl, my ah por has to be the victim of this accident?! Why must that idiotic bastard or bitchy driver drive on that particular road at that particular time? Why this idiotic bastard or bitchy driver’s carelessness just take place at that particular time?! Why must ah por cross that road at that time? Why didn’t I visit her ytd? Why praying and non-stop praying just doesn’t help much? Why? …….. Why? Why? WHY?!

I miss her so much….ytd nite at the chalet i just miss her as much as today….but I just didn’t go visit her! I now desperately am asking every one of you to help pray for my grandma!!! I can’t help it but just to worry and start to be afraid…..sometimes crossing the road now seems to be kind of phobia……sometimes I’ll see the road so quiet and clear of no vehicles moving on it….i’m so afraid that half way while crossing the road, a vehicle just speed out from no where and…..BOOOOM…..there goes another victim……

I dreamt of you successfully opening your eyes, stretching your legs onto the floor, walking, moving around, and opening your long-time never open de mouth to communicate with us…..i so hope all these were real and were never a dream! )=
I so feel like hugging you! I miss your cooking! I never hold your hand again after I have grown up, but now I’ll always hold your hand like when you hold mine when I’m small….and I so hope that you will hold my hand tightly back! …….. )'=

Time Ended: 23:56pm