(friday night-saturday midnight)

Written on friday night, saturday mrgn..i cant get to sleep and thus this result...

Its 2.30am in the morning now…I’m lying on the mattress on the floor….i moved from the bed to a mattress on the floor…..i can’t get to sleep, thinking a change of bed might helps me in falling asleep fast…cos it does help sometimes when I’m unable to fall asleep…but today it doesn’t have any effect on my body…I’m still unable to get to sleep and had been turning and tossing on the mattress….hais….

I’m thinking of my grandma…I prevent myself from thinking further by listening to music on my handphone….sadly it too doesn’t help in any way! And I thought I might just need someone to talk to? So I smsed Felicia…but too bad she has to wake up early the next day to supervise the new coming maid that was hired to take care of her grandma…so too bad…I tried sms-ing cheong chun wai…..sad he didn’t reply…next I tried one last person….disappointed with no replies…I guess they are either asleep or just doesn’t wan to entertain me…haha…I did thought of cindy and poh sinyee,,,,but I think cindy is tired and is asleep as she had one whole day of work….while poh sinyee has to work tml at 8.30am…so I didn’t call or sms them….so I resort to the last way which is to switch on my lappie to write my feelings here while listening to music….

Actually I’ve nth to talk abt cos I don intend to tell them what’s on my mind even I manage to find somebody to talk to….i donno how to say how am I feeling inside….so i just wan to listen to the opposite party to talk…and I’ll just comment if I had any…..maybe by doing this, my mind might get occupied by other things and turn my attention away……
I donno what I want k ppl…I’m so contradicting myself with what I want…hais….how?

I hate the feeling of missing….now tuning in to M2M’s ‘Do you know what you want?’…replying it ‘I seriously don’t know what exactly I want!’ ahhhhh….我不喜欢想念的感觉！I hate it! It’s not fun; neither enjoying nor exciting lor…had it just given me the feeling of torturing someone’s mind! Haha..ok I don’t sleep and am thinking too much…I know…haha…

I’m still having the feeling of wanting to throw up….haha guys I’m not pregnant! Just feeling not well inside, no appetite for anything….i eat just for the sake of preventing gastric pain from happening…haha..cos after one time of serious gastric pain, which cause me to walk like ah pek with my back 45 degree down, is enough….

What’s happening man? I really dislike this kind of feeling people! It spoils my everything from mood to attitude to behavior…it makes me doesn’t want to get involved in any activity…..AIYO! I get irritated easily by people whom are just asking some non harmful question…..I TSK-ed at my dad who might be trying to cheer me up by teasing or making fun of me…..tt’s so bad…everything is so bad….there are moment where I so feel like hiding in a corner and nobody will be able to find me and would not bother abt me…but they just come and find me like my dad and my irritating bro……

I’m feeling very terrible…. (=
people sorry for myself being like this….I can’t help it as what had happened to my grandma is really a great and significant impact to me! Maybe to some, grandma are just grandma…to me….my grandma is just like my 2nd or even my 1st mother! I address her as ‘Ma’ (mother in Cantonese) instead of ‘Ah por’ (grandma in Cantonese)! She takes care of me since young…staying at her house often during pri sch period…constant visit to her house with no fail since sec sch till before 2nd of January…It really breaks my heart for all what she’s going through now…..does she deserve all these? I’m questioning again!

I’m still asleep at 3.15am………=/