(reflections) full of guilt

(wednesday)
today whole day..i've been having the feeling of guilt! which i so regret for doing all these cruel and unfilial thing....

i've been complaining and picking on my grandma for being extra and troublesome while having holiday in KL last year....

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! )'=

i felt so bad! looking at her, thinking of how i treated her last year, ..... i cried.....hais...i'm so idiot to xian her old and ma fan..always go shopping so ma fan, cannot shop properly, have to look out for her, .... and i even push the job of holding her to shop ard slowly and finding seats for her o sit and telling her to look out for steps or curbs to the others.....

i'm so damn bastard and unfilial and ashamed! )'=

i look at her and felt that she's like blaming me and is like she rmbs what i did to her and tt's y i don seems to feel that she misses me or she wants to see me...

i felt that she is more yearning to see my bro and will look at him whenever he's in front of her...but she doesn't when i'm calling or looking at her...her eyeballs will turn around....

i'm upset....i donno what i'm thinking...i'm not blaming her for anything....

i only know i'm not mature and is childish to compare so much or whether she misses me or is she looking at me when i called her....i'm jealous....

i donno how to be mature to handle this....i only know i yearn for her love for me again! i wan her to deng wo again....to care for me again....

i shldn't care abt all this right now isn't it? i'm feeling bad full of guilts and regrets....
i want to hug her badly....

subconciously, every now and then......i'll think that...ytd we all just had a family gathering ad had fun and i'm gg to meet you the coming saturday or weekends......but as i think further, my mind suddenly remind and tells me that you're still lying in hospital!

i really still and unable to allow myself to accept this fact! cos this subconcious thingy takes place everyday!

i hate myself for being a cry baby!
i'm trying to hold my tears sinc last week...i tell myself i cannot cry, i cannot let you see me cry neither do i want to let others see.....but it's so difficult to do that...my head starts to hurt whenever i hold my tears! my nose never co-operate and keep flowing things out....

i'm very childish and selfish where there are alot of times where i so feel like asking my mum 'CAN WE DON'T LET HER GO?' surface is like asking but deep in my heart i wants to order and command her not to let her go!

it's easy to say and thought that you unstd this sentence 'All this are part and parcel of life' in a happy and no worries life....you'll know you don unstd and don want to unstd it untill this kind of things happen on you, in your life....

so pls don pop out 'tt's wat life and we can do nth but to accept' that easily out from the mouth! sorry if i'm really tt childish and irresponsible....

i can't find doubts nor faults in 人要懂得失去，才懂得珍惜！