i miss her still!

there's 2 me in me....

the first me keeps constantly pulling me back to the past, to the day just before 2nd january and the back to the afternoon of 2nd january....i'm so happy then...

the second me will keep running into my mind to spoil all of the above happy moments....telling me clearly that she's now in hospital, lying there cannot move.....suffering....we're all suffering too....the accident had happened! it pull me back to the evening whr i recieved the ultra bad news tt she's knocked by a car........

every night before sleeping is like.....i'm alr dreaming even though my mind is still clearly awake......

everytime, everyday, in the hospital, sitting beside you, holding your hands, looking at you.....i almost take it that since i was young, you've already been like this lying there.......but when i rmb that you're not...you're kana knocked down by car for the reason you're lying here.....tears will drop......it's like you've been lying there for so long! for 3 months gg 4 months.......tt i almost forgot my grandma was not like this before....but @#$%& bloody hell, the mind just makes me rmb tt i'm talking to you just ytd........

i was so truly happy that i see your hands able to move up and down while holding auntie's hand...but at the same time i'm so afraid of you recovering.......cos i don know when another time of heart attack might strike, another time whr he's becoming jealous, making your condition to worsen and take you away! i'm still as afraid as before.....i'm very worry......i know i might be thinking too much but can you all confirm that you wun be like me if this is happening to you?!

it's really difficult to accept........whenever i hear my grandpa saying, 'before she dies, we grandchildren and children and even me(grandpa) might die first!' this is really like the most worst suffering we all had! it's torture can! my grandpa after retired, always staying at hm with my grandma feeding him with meals and all, his stomach gets bigger....and now....everything changes and his stomach is gone, hhe's getting even skinner than before....i can see his belt tighten till his pants is like what......

hais......every now and then...i will recall back the times i had spent with you!