That hole in my heart...

1stMarch2008
Fourth day at work.....it's a Saturday!!! Oh man...it is raining so heavily, such a cold weather to hide inside my comforter till late morning.....but I'm waking up on the usual time like office hours as early as 7am to go to work...the roads are so desserted la..still have to share umbrella with strangers to cross street..and in the end, I'm stuck inside office alone for 6hrs!!!

Visited grandma after work and had dinner together with my Sanyi (family) and Xiaoyi (family)....We went LongHouse and had a long chatting session before gg home..it was really fun...we chatted from how parents, each aunties and uncles got together, their dating process and gossips..haha..next was about cousins, my siblings and my babies time...our for known behaviours and blah....I don need a pacifier, just my thumb will do..haha..a lot of memories flash back la....we always had to queue in front of grandpa to collect money because he'll distribute money to each of his grandchildren whenever he got his pay....hehe...=D Who he doted most on and blah....

The stay over nights at grandma's house....she always tell us stories and her children's childhood......who she don like and why she don't like...haha....when ah li and I were talking abt how she told us and all.....we automatically knows her actions and all..we just laughed very happily because of her cuteness...we just miss it......we miss her.........there's no need to act out or do the action when she's taking or telling us story....we all knew it...we just laughed together with images in all our mind..really there's a lot of images flash past in my brain....it's all like in a filmstrip...i could rmb my primary school times in her house..always staying over at her house for the reason that I've got to reached school early the next day for HouseTraining....she'll wake me up and all.....she's like my mother.... =)

Hais....we chatted very long....we all missed the past......the happy moments......we do still have happy moments every now and then, just like this simple dinner....but it's just different....ha~ =) Next we came to a point where we're thinking of booking a bus for the whole family to go Genting together...this is what I've always wished for..but now all had to be delayed and it's gonna be different.....I was telling my mother and Xiaoyi the other day of taking a big family photo..and I came to found out, actually my Xiaoyi had thg of it long ago but it just didn't happen and now all this happens...less one person...came to think of it.....wasteful......regrets........ =\

I'm not trying to be emo again...when I think of this, my mind is like keep telling me, "I want her to be in the picture with us...it's a whole big family picture, she can't not be in the picture together with us..i have a grandpa so i do need a grandma!" ..... but this just wun come true....i know my what my mind is telling me, just shows acts of stubbornness....

I WANT A WHOLE BIG FAMILY PHOTO HANGING IN MY ROOM, IN MY HOUSE LIVING ROOM, IN EVERY AUNTIES' HOUSE.....

maybe I'm being naïve or childish or acting just like some (qianjingsiewjie) rich overly-doted girl or princess....but that's what I really think and hope for....i have a too perfect picture for my family....i don mean my family is not good enough....but donno why HARMFUL or HURTINGS or ACCIDENTS or LOSING MY LOVE ONES or whatever that is NEGATIVE are not at all in my dictionary for this family.....maybe didn't thgt of it but I didn't take it serious.....i didn't think much of it...untill it happens.........i don't think my loved ones beside me will die or anything bad will occur on them....but it just happens....tt's y I'm now seriously afraid of losing any of my loved ones that are all around me, always around for me...losing one is like taking a part of my heart away.....now there's already a gigantic hole..it's difficult to fill it up unless with the same identical living person..... ha~ ........ (=

I know some friends will not like this side of me..being so pessimistic or whatsoever....no longer the old me.....I know....i too know I'm no longer the same and I hate it too...but I just have this foolish thinking that if it's for the sake of an important person in my life, it think it's worth it..i don regret becoming the now me tho I hate it......Okay, confusing.....don't get what I mean? Then don't bother to try unstd-ing it....cos nth useful.... (=

can anyone fill that hole in my heart?