i miss ah por!!!

I MISS MY GRANDMA!!! )'=

Sunday:
today's was a beautiful day with beautiful sky....woke up early to go praying with parents and bro...pray for grandma...i thgt today will be a wonderful day cos it's a family day! but all plans and thought were being screwed after praying....

the doctor called to call my mum go hospital fast so he could discuss some things with her...this issue is nth big actually...it's just need her signature before they can proceed with the operation...currently my grandma is tube feed with milk powder..the tube stretches all the way from the mouth to the stomach...it has ot be changed every month or else it will get infected and cause complications...so the doctor decided to open the stomach and put a bag into it...so proper food meal can be insert into it and feed my grandma...

she's getting skinny than before...her once big round tummy was now all gone...become so flat...when i reached, i saw her saliva over her shirt and the phlegm is ard her shirt! cos a hole is opened so that she can cough her phlegm out and wun cause any infection in the lungs or any breathing difficulties...but now the problem...the nurse aren't doing their job! my grandfather had called them to help her clean the phlegm and all...but they didnt do it! we waited quite long...so angry..what kind of service is that! what kind of hospital is this!?

we cant do anything cos only the nurses know how to clear the phlegm from the throat...but they didnt do it fast...and we can only wait there and my grandma just keep trying very ard to cough out the phlegm....i felt so helpless...i cant do anything to help reduce any discomfort in her and only thing is could do is to stand and wait and see her suffer there.....)'= it's really heartbreaking...i couldn't help it but cry...

after that listen to doctor talk...and doctors really nva lie...they're damn honest...they're like the doctors in the drama...talk alot of bad news (which i thgt it was) and added some good news at the back trying to console us that the situation isn't tt bad....the bad news that they are telling us is the truth...is not that they wan to scare us....but at tt moment i so hope that he could just tell us lies that my grandma will be fine and can wake up and all....so that i can stop my tears from flowing out....

he mentioned....:

1. it'll be a miracle if my grandma is able to wake up....miracle? in other words the chances are slim! if she cant wake up, i wouldn't be able to talk to my grandma anymore...i could not listen to her voice anymore!
2. she will not be back to like as she was before...she will be unable to walk and be a proper person...she wun be able to walk! will be on wheelchair....she might not be able to eat her fav food anymore....she will be feeling very sad for the case she is in!
3. if this 6 months she is recovering fast and good....then it will be not much worries after that...but if she's not....then it's really very difficult for her to recover...what can we do? pray and pray...but does it really help? i now really start to suspect do praying to gods help?
4. she might just stay like this forever for long term....she will be semi-conscious in coma forever....I DON'T WANT! we cant bring her hm to take care ourselves cos we aren't professionals...what if we made some mistakes and cause harm to her? putting her in some care centre is like so....i don't want to put her there alone! i know we'll be visiting her la...but it's like so lonely there..cos it's impossible that we stay 24hrs there with her!...

after this, we went bedok to buy mandarin orange with my grandpa...i totally have no mood...just feel so tired and feel like gg hm to sleep so wun think so much...bought ice-cream to eat thinking that ice-cream might cheer me up...but it didnt..in fact i'm fussy...i complained that the ice-cream was not the kind i want....feel really so unsatisfied..so went to buy another cup from another stall...it's still not the kind i want...but i lied to myself that it is...try deciving myself that i'm feeling better...but i didnt..cos when back on the car..on the way to my grandma's hse...the emotion come again....watery eyes again....tears just keep flowing out...

when reach her hse....i suddenly feel kind of stranger (陌生)to the hse...it's one month plus whr i have not step into the hse....the last visit is the day of her accident...i really miss the feeling that the hse can give to me whenever i go there...now i can no longer feel the feeling...i cant find it! something is missing! i'm very upset....as i walked into her room...seeing her things....the bed whr every weekend we'll go her hse and i'll just lie on her bed and take a nap...the scene of her sitting at her chair watching the tv....the scene whr she sleep and snores on her bed...the scene whr she's in the kitchen busy preparing food...her voice...her arguing with my grandpa...everything just flash in my mind...the fridge that is never empty is now really empty...with no food in it...cos her fridge will never be empty with us all these big eaters always visiting her hse every weekend! but now....everything is gone!!!

while sweeping the floor, my tears keep flowing la..cos i couldn' help it but thinks alot...like some kind of stepmum ill-treat me like tt...tears flow down as i sweep the floor....边扫地边流泪....i lied on her bed and cry....the nose is blocked....my eyes just couldn't stop crying.....when i'm young i'll always sit on her leg and lie on her chest to sleep after a tiring day out with her and family....it was very comfortable lying on her chest...i really miss her...i miss her voice...i miss her cookings...i miss talking to her...i miss her everything...

before today...i always have the thgt that everything will be fine and she will wake up soon..it's just that she takes a longer time...but....after listening to what the doctor had said...全部都被打破了!!! 才发觉我好像一直来好像都在骗自己!!! )'= why is this happening to her?

today is really not my day....i got jammed in the lift at my grandma's hse! for the past 20yrs my grandpa had stayed there....it's his first time got stuck in the lift....and for the 18 yrs i've always been gg there....it's also my first time stuck there....i was like...wth...it's like somebody trying to make a fool of us lor....i'm already feeling so bad and this suay thing still happen! the lift only just service only lor! and the person just left also! then after sometime of trying to open the door by my dad at outside...the lift open itself...see it's so weird right...like somebody making a fool of us...

I MISS AH POR!!! I MISS MY GRANDMA!!! I MISS AH POR!!! I MISS MY GRANDMA!!!

I MISS YOU, AH POR!!! )'=