EastCoastCampin: 4 Rangers

all the emo @#$%^& entries below are just updates...this entry is also updates la...

Last saturday, four of us (angel, jordan, felicia and i) met up at east coast park...went prepared with jackets and 2 beach mat....EastCoastPark is so bustily...with alot of ppl camping there...there aren't any slient quiet moment at all....it's unlike midnight, it seems like the day where e'one is so energetic....haha...i felt a waste not to book a pit there to have a BBQ cos there's so many ppl ard and atmosphere is wonderful! haha...a grp of kids were playing forefit and both felicia and i were the victim cos he asked for our numbers...and..hee..i'm bad as usual...

Kid: hey can i have your number?

Both felicia and i didnt bother to answer him and continue talking+walking in our usual fast speed cos we're late meeting jordan+angel...

Kid (oh my, he's persistent sia) : can i have your no.?
Me (frankly) : sorry i don want to play with you this kind of games...
Kid (still determine) : act act only la...pls...anyhow give la...
Me : anyhow give then 1 to 9 lor...

haha...he went back happily with his friends cheering....haha..ok it's ...... ya...dots..we're in a rush and didnt wanna bother him but he's soo persistent sia...don't ask me handsome anot cos we didnt even look at him...we only eye contact with each other, continue with our conersation and only thing in mind is MacDonald's cos tt's our destination, ur meeting place with jordan+angel...haha...we miss the stop and were late la..haha...

we chatted through out the night non-stop...is really talk non-stop..gossips, nag, complain, laugh blah blah...haha...tt was fun...it's not really a htht (HeartToHeartTalk)...cos we didnt go deep into our troubles, frustations and all...it's all random chats and i'm quite surprise that the four of us could actually random talk so much...it just link and link and link to alot of things..haha...

know what i don wanna let jordan to guess correctly that i've been looking for food to feed my itchy mouth but i just cant tahan and he got the chance to tease me again..tsk! cos i've been craving for Mac since friday....so when reach EastCoast looking at Mac, i couldn't resist that crave....so in the end i bought a meal sharing fries with jordan...haha...i've been looking for food the whole night before the Mac meal...LOL...

Night is short, time passes very fast that we didnt realise it's alr 4am...we squeeze on the 2 beach mats lying down, looking at the sky and stars...slowly sky turns, morning sets in...but we didnt see any sun rising...haha...and this time the sky isn't as beautiful as that time....First time taking public bus home after a overnight stayout...haha...tho tiring but it's fun..budget ar..haha..(=

Funeral Days

28th April 2008

went to the funeral...all of us (cousins) were united in helping out..i was inside burning incense paper with my 18yr cousin..we chatted and i cry...chatted abt grandma's incident to now Siyi's death...we're all feeling the same...misses grandma, fear of forgetting her voice...he's losing faith in them who's staying above...we're still unable to accept and let her go...we're still afraid that she'll go...we're tired, we're sick of all these happening of sudden death of losing our love ones....everything happens out of expectation and defintely too sudden...

once again, lost confused extremely insecured....and it's double this time round....every doubtful feelings double....we had yet...our heart, our emotions had yet to recover from previous fall....now all our heart has the creation of another hole....

please.....please....i'm really desperately begging and praying to you that please treat us like this no more again....it's torturing...it f***ing sickening...please don fool us anymore....if u thgt u aren't fooling us, please give me a reason to believe you and understand all these happenings...i'm really stress and insecured about everything....i fear of being alone, i fear of falling asleep to welcome the new day...i wants everything to just freeze and stop here....i fear of moving forward to face more suddens....i don want anymore of it...i'm tired...we're all tired....aren't you tired? it's time for this drama to end right? it's boring to see the same things repeating right?

why do you have to treat us like this?

everyday waking up....i was hoping everything is a dream...i thgt i could see both my grandma and Siyi again...it all just occurred in my that few hours of dream...back it is not this way, nobody told me i'm dreaming, somebody tells me it's the truth, somebody pull me back to wants me to face the reality....i felt so useless, i felt so lifeless....

Waking up, it's another day, it's one more day to think to afraid to worry about handling this fact....it's one more day to face this crue reality...Since that night, i've not been sleeping well...A fear to fall asleep...constantly feeling insecured and lost...i didnt know what can i do but i'm just afraid to sleep....i'm hope i'm not sleeping and the world, the time just freeze...Freezed on the day where i'm happily enjoying everything that's around me, that i'm not losing anyone and i'm happy every single day...ha~ that's such a so naive, childish, unlike a reaching 20yrs young adult's thinking right?! that was so shameful huh...

i'm naive foolish....i get down easily by minor issues or wrongs....i feel discourage even at work ifi did some very minor mistakes...i'm in trouble...i mean i'm weird and thinking wrong on my mind...i know i might be sick....

maybe some might think i'm being over dramatic...but i didnt care...cos u didnt know what's exactly happening to my family....i don blame you but really please treasure every moments with your love ones...

Few of us stayed overnight on the last night....accompanying both of our cousins...talking crap...laughing together...waiting for the last day to send her off....i didnt know how we're feeling but it's contridicting...we had fun while together to pray to do rituals for my auntie...we joked, 'Falling in' for the rituals...haha...we used the given coins to get sweets tidbits from the mama shop beside...munching those 10cents long blackcurrant orange strawberry chewy sweets....we all had supper together, all squeezing in just one table...it was so back to our childhood times...we're so happy at those moments....everyone is enjoying it....we crap, laugh, joke, did stupid things together.....

Can time just freeze there? No...
30th April 2008: Another day just came....ha~ officially departing from her....

My dream family photo: 28-1-1

On the 26th of April night, my SiYi left all of us...She left the family physically....she's gone...it was a sudden which all of us couldn't take it...we all were in the midst of a dinner when the news arrived....all our hearts dropped really the the bottom...nobody has the mood to do anyting....

She's happily holidaying with her family in Bangkok, and comin back on this day....But it all must and has to happen to her in the mrgn before they head off to airport....Her heart is in deep pain and my uncle brought her to hospital immdiately and discovering she got to be operated immediately as her vessel might explode anytime....ha~ managed to save her back once but she choose to leave on the second time...operation failed....news travelled to our ears in Singapore....and yup, alll our hearts were like...tears flow...nobody has any more mood for dinner or any other thing....i did pray, we all did pray immediately upon knowing the news of her in danger....we were all at the temple place, we prayed immediately....ha~...what's the use of praying...

"Pray, pray for what ar pray...got help meh?!"

that's what i told sinyee on the phone...i shouted...i'm crying like crazy...i was so angry, lost totally frustrated and going out of my mind....i didnt know what's happening...once and again, one by one...all out of a sudden....i'm just so tired..tired of everything, i'm so worried about everything...my grandpa my grandma...will anybody know what kind of @##$$&% feeling is that? it's so insecure....i really wish to die and end all these...i don wan to recieve anymore of this nonsense....ya tt's selfish and foolish...i thgt i'm not as close to her as to the other aunties...but her death is still...it still hits my heart greatly.....however i might not like her actions or not as close to her, she's still part of my family photo, she also dote me alot since young, she's my auntie, i respect her....she has a poor life all along...kidney failure, she managed to fight thrg it with dialysis and ironically, she die because of heart attack....wth right....her first time on plane, first time travelling with whole family, first time travelling overseas and yet this have to happen.....

i was really crying fiercely, thinking of alot of alot......was really worried...my grandpa, grandma....i really feel insecure, i fear that the next day, anyone of them will also be gone out of sudden...

26th April 2008 - My dream perfect family photo which yet had to be taken have minus one more person, my Si Yi...i pray my uncle and cousins to be really strong....We'll be there for you guys for anything!

When will it stop? Another hole in the heart...when can it be mend? Never....