Funeral Days

28th April 2008

went to the funeral...all of us (cousins) were united in helping out..i was inside burning incense paper with my 18yr cousin..we chatted and i cry...chatted abt grandma's incident to now Siyi's death...we're all feeling the same...misses grandma, fear of forgetting her voice...he's losing faith in them who's staying above...we're still unable to accept and let her go...we're still afraid that she'll go...we're tired, we're sick of all these happening of sudden death of losing our love ones....everything happens out of expectation and defintely too sudden...

once again, lost confused extremely insecured....and it's double this time round....every doubtful feelings double....we had yet...our heart, our emotions had yet to recover from previous fall....now all our heart has the creation of another hole....

please.....please....i'm really desperately begging and praying to you that please treat us like this no more again....it's torturing...it f***ing sickening...please don fool us anymore....if u thgt u aren't fooling us, please give me a reason to believe you and understand all these happenings...i'm really stress and insecured about everything....i fear of being alone, i fear of falling asleep to welcome the new day...i wants everything to just freeze and stop here....i fear of moving forward to face more suddens....i don want anymore of it...i'm tired...we're all tired....aren't you tired? it's time for this drama to end right? it's boring to see the same things repeating right?

why do you have to treat us like this?

everyday waking up....i was hoping everything is a dream...i thgt i could see both my grandma and Siyi again...it all just occurred in my that few hours of dream...back it is not this way, nobody told me i'm dreaming, somebody tells me it's the truth, somebody pull me back to wants me to face the reality....i felt so useless, i felt so lifeless....

Waking up, it's another day, it's one more day to think to afraid to worry about handling this fact....it's one more day to face this crue reality...Since that night, i've not been sleeping well...A fear to fall asleep...constantly feeling insecured and lost...i didnt know what can i do but i'm just afraid to sleep....i'm hope i'm not sleeping and the world, the time just freeze...Freezed on the day where i'm happily enjoying everything that's around me, that i'm not losing anyone and i'm happy every single day...ha~ that's such a so naive, childish, unlike a reaching 20yrs young adult's thinking right?! that was so shameful huh...

i'm naive foolish....i get down easily by minor issues or wrongs....i feel discourage even at work ifi did some very minor mistakes...i'm in trouble...i mean i'm weird and thinking wrong on my mind...i know i might be sick....

maybe some might think i'm being over dramatic...but i didnt care...cos u didnt know what's exactly happening to my family....i don blame you but really please treasure every moments with your love ones...

Few of us stayed overnight on the last night....accompanying both of our cousins...talking crap...laughing together...waiting for the last day to send her off....i didnt know how we're feeling but it's contridicting...we had fun while together to pray to do rituals for my auntie...we joked, 'Falling in' for the rituals...haha...we used the given coins to get sweets tidbits from the mama shop beside...munching those 10cents long blackcurrant orange strawberry chewy sweets....we all had supper together, all squeezing in just one table...it was so back to our childhood times...we're so happy at those moments....everyone is enjoying it....we crap, laugh, joke, did stupid things together.....

Can time just freeze there? No...
30th April 2008: Another day just came....ha~ officially departing from her....